Knee Deep in a Sick Love
by blissfully ignorant
Summary: Fairly romantic olaf/esme story that takes place during the ersatz elevator and other times now. ::NOTE RATING INCREASE:: I'm sure it's not THAT bad but I didn't want to take the chance of offending anyone.
1. knee deep in a sick love

~a/n: this takes place somewhere in the middle of The Ersatz Elevator. Mildly romantic-stop use and contact and physician if condition does not approve or worsens.  
  
K n e e D e e p i n a S i c k L o v e  
  
Esme Squalor slunk slowly out of the door of the massive penthouse and tiptoed through the hallway, but stopped short. Behind her she sensed the faintest shuffle and a slight thunk.  
  
She felt in her fashionable pinstripe clutch purse for the tiny gun she kept with her. "Who's there?" she asked.  
  
The figure behind her snorted. "Like you have to ask," a familiar and slightly raspy voice hissed indignantly behind her.  
  
"OLAF! YOU'RE ALREADY HERE!!!" she squealed, swiveling and throwing her arms around his neck. "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow," she added, kissing him.  
  
"Well, I thought I would surprise you. I did miss you, you know."  
  
"And guess what? The Bauldilares came early too! So I've got them here already!" she giggled. "Do you have the Quagmires?"  
  
He kicked the tuba case at his foot.  
  
"Dear God, you made them both fit in there?" she marveled, eyeing the case.  
  
He shrugged. "Hey, just don't feed them for a while. They'll fit anywhere."  
  
She smiled up at him. "Oh, you are a bastard."  
  
"And yet still you love me. Where's the logic in that, I ask you?" she kissed him again. "So where are we storing the brats?"  
  
"Follow me to the faux elevator," she said with a sly smile. "I've got a nice little cage padlocked at the bottom all ready for those poor little orphans to move into."  
  
After a long and tedious climb down the shaft, Olaf unlocked the case and pulled off the top. Twisted most uncomfortably where a tuba should have been were the Quagmires triplets. Normally one of them would not, and should not, have been able to fit in there, and yet somehow he had managed to force them both.  
  
Esme opened the padlock of the cage and the metal hinges of the door squealed. Olaf snatched the two Quagmires out by the scruff of the neck and shoved them roughly through. The two triplets cowered together in the back corner of the cage and Isadora began to cry.  
  
Esme laughed cruelly and crossed over to stand next to Olaf.  
  
"Who are you?" Duncan asked, staring at his surroundings in disbelief.  
  
Esme put her hands on her hips. "I am Esme Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. I am also Count Olaf's second in command-"  
  
"-and the love of my life," he added, toying with her hair.  
  
"Right then. As his second in command, I will guard you two and make sure you don't try to escape while he attends to other affairs. These affairs include kidnapping at least one Bauldilare, killing the remaining two, deciding which of you two to keep, acquiring a massive fortune in money and sapphires, and then killing the remaining two orphans. The final affair, living out a long and happy life with quite a large sum of money, I will of course participate in. but that part is none of your concern."  
  
The two Quagmire triplets looked at each other in horror. Isadora began to cry harder, and Esme and Olaf cackled happily as they climbed the rope ladder they had set down.  
  
"Get yourself comfortable, Quagmires," Olaf laughed, "because you may be here for quite a while."  
  
After still more tedious climbing they were back and the surface. Esme checked her watch. "Oh, you'd better go before someone wakes up. That'd be hard to explain. You have your disguise ready, right?"  
  
"Of course. Gunther will arrive around noon." He smiled at her and kissed her. "Farewell."  
  
"Don't be late."  
  
"I won't, I swear. I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Stealing another quick kiss, Olaf disappeared into the night. The next morning, the Bauldilares and Jerome noticed that Esme looked tired, yet much happier, but none of them devoted much thought to it. 


	2. tainted love

~a/n: I haven't done anything meaningful this summer, and I was bored out of my brain so I decided to resume work on this unsettling bit of literature. Well, here chapter 2. These stories are just snippets--each one is kind of a short story in itself and they don't go together to form an actually story line. I can't even promise they're in chronological order. I was just enjoying writing these characters as well-rounded, emotional people while staying true to their eeevil nature. By the way, the play called "Get Me Out of Here" is based on an idea I have for a documentary me and my lovely friend Laera were writing together. (this is the part where I cease to rant and begin the story)  
  
T a i n t e d L o v e  
  
The barely lit bathroom smelled chokingly of perfume and hairspray as a tall, beautiful woman primped daintily in the mirror. She ran her fingers through her hair and tossed it about.  
  
"So," she said, picking up a black eyeliner pencil, "how long are you planning to hide in the corner and hold your breath so I don't notice you're watching me?"  
  
A tall figure moved out of the shadows behind her and rested his thin, bony hands lovingly on her shoulders. "Who, me? Now what would you say such a thing?"  
  
She laughed and continued putting on her makeup. He rubbed his head against hers, purring like a cat.  
  
"Stop it," she giggled, "You're messing up my hair."  
  
"I don't know why you bother with that stuff," he said, gesturing faintly to her collection of makeup and dangerously flammable hair products, "I mean, why mess with perfection?"  
  
"Honey, even the angels have halos."  
  
He rolled his eyes--she usually said that. It was a nice metaphor, but it didn't bring him any closer to figuring her out. Esme Squalor was a complex creature.  
  
"Come on, you look stunning already, and we're gonna be late. He said he'd be there in the first act and we have to beat him there."  
  
"You're sure he's reliable? Your last source was about an hour and a half late."  
  
"One of the most reliable I know. He knows where they are, and then we will."  
  
"Find them," Esme said, a wicked grin spreading across her face, "and teach them a thing or two about messing with us!"  
  
"Exactly! But none of that will happen if we don't get moving. So come on."  
  
***  
  
They forced themselves to sit through three and a half acts of an incredibly mediocre performance of a play called "Get Me Out of Here" as a stranger slunk slowly towards them. An envelope was thrown at them from behind.  
  
"Finally," Olaf said, cracking his neck as they slipped out the lobby doors and into the open air. "I have never seen a theater company butcher an otherwise fine play in quite that distressing manner."  
  
"I was actually in physical pain after that sad attempt at Jet's monologue in act two. And then when that girl with the green hair tried to do sing that song after I nearly cried."  
  
"But," he said, waving the envelope before her eyes as they approached his car, "I have to say it was worth it."  
  
She giggled girlishly as he put an arm around her shoulders. They approached the corner of the lot where they were parked. He ran ahead and opened her door for her.  
  
"Well aren't we just the perfect gentleman tonight?" she smiled, kissing him sweetly before slipping into her seat.  
  
"Now madam," he said, sitting beside her behind the wheel, "Would you care to know the location of those sweet little children?"  
  
She snorted. "Where are the little snots?"  
  
He tore open the envelope. "They are currently on their way to.the picturesque Village of Foul Devotees."  
  
Esme laughed. "Are you kidding? God, those small minded ass-ticks that live there will hang on our every word. This one, darling, will be the easiest trick we've ever pulled."  
  
He grinned at her. "Tomorrow we'll look through the costumes we have in the storage and figure out what our plan is."  
  
"What about tonight?"  
  
He leaned over and kissed her, caressing the back of her neck. "I kinda had plans for tonight. Care to join me?"  
  
She laughed as the black car sped off into the night. 


	3. right here in my arms

~a/n: This probably should have been chapter two, but I warned you this wasn't going to be in chronological order. As I sit here thoroughly enjoying more CKY music, I pull off another random moment from the twisted love of our two favorite villains. This chapter is the most romantic so far, and thus this is the one I have dedicated to Pat......and I'm only saying this because I'm confident he will never read this.  
  
R i g h t H e r e i n M y A r m s  
  
He heard Esme's soft, content sigh and felt her curl into his arms before he even opened his eyes. "I assume that you husband fell for the whole story?"  
  
"Yup. Damn, he's so gullible that I almost feel bad lying to him. But not enough to go back to the penthouse tonight."  
  
He looked over at her, pleasantly surprised. "You mean you're staying here all night?"  
  
"Do you want me to?"  
  
"Hell yes!" he said, giving her a gentle squeeze. "I'm still terribly fond of you, you know. I missed you all that time you were away with Jerome."  
  
"Don't tell me you were jealous of him," she said, shaking her head, "trust me, honey, if he's your biggest competition you have nothing to worry about. I would much rather be here with you." She laid her head against his chest, and the dark room was quiet for a bit.  
  
"O?"  
  
"Yes baby?"  
  
"After we're done here with those damnable orphans, can we go away somewhere?"  
  
"How do you mean, precious?"  
  
"I want to get out of here, go to a place where no one knows us. Just you and me.....after we get those little brats out of the way we can ditch your theatre troupe. Can we do that?"  
  
"For you, the world." He smiled down at her and kissed her forehead. "The world."  
  
"Okay. You know, ever since I was a child that was my dream. I was going to make large amounts of money and go live somewhere where no one knew me. I imagined all the exciting people I would meet, and how great everything would be. When I met you, I adjusted the plan for two people."  
  
"Really? When I was little I always thought I was going to turn out to be a writer. I was going to be famous and live in a big house, and spend all my days writing about whatever I wanted. In a way that can only happen in a child's dream, every topic I touched in that world was a best seller. Then came you, and I too adjusted my plan. After that, of course, my writing in that world always involved two people just like us."  
  
"It's funny how dreams can slip through your fingers if you aren't watchful."  
  
He shrugged. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or something like that," he added.  
  
She sighed and wrapped her arms tighter around him. "So.....what sneaky stuff should I be watchful of from these little Baudelaire snots?"  
  
"All sorts of raging horrors. That runty infant bites like hell, so I hope she's had her rabies shot. Don't let the bookworm read anything interesting, it'll drive him nuts. The oldest girl, now she's easy to please, but you shouldn't have a hard time making her miserable. Just don't let her tinker with anything. It's rather amusing to watch them when they can't do what they love. Their pain is so funny."  
  
"No biting, no reading, no tinkering. I think I can handle that. I can make them miserable without even letting on that I'm not on their side." A wicked grin slid smoothly across her pretty face. "Methinks the next week will be rather enjoyable." 


	4. near you always

~a/n: after this chapter I'm gonna have to up the rating on this story. I promise to you this story will be as graphic as I will get, so if the last one made you sick you might want to bail out of this one. As before, dedicated to Pat.  
  
N e a r Y o u A l w a y s  
  
"Oh shit," Esme hissed, throwing the sheet off of her and sitting up. "I'd better get back there before Jerome gets home."  
  
"I have a better idea," Olaf said, sitting up to and holding onto her arm as she stood up. "Stay here."  
  
"I can't," she protested as she shimmied into her underwear. "I have to get back or Jerome will start realizing something's up."  
  
"So? He won't do anything about it. You said so yourself--he's oblivious. So just don't go."  
  
"I have to go, I'm sorry." She found her blouse on the floor and buttoned it once across the chest. "Did you see where my skirt ended up?"  
  
"Somewhere over there," he said, pointing vaguely across the room, "to tell you the truth I didn't care much about its destination earlier."  
  
"Right," she said, scanning the room for her various shed articles of clothing. "How about my bra?"  
  
"Same directions. Maybe that's a hint that you're not meant to go."  
  
"I don't think so," she laughed, snatching her skirt out from under the bed. "I'll be back as soon as I can."  
  
"One more thing before you go," he said, rising and crossing the room. He pressed his lips to hers, softly at first but then with an intesnisty that told her quite clearly where he would rather her be.  
  
When he pulled away and smiled down at her, she stared for a second. "You know," she commented, plopping down on the bed, "I could always just tell him that I was having drinks with the girls tonight."  
  
"You have 'girls'? Where was I when this happened?"  
  
"I haven't any." She looked up at him slyly. "But he doesn't know that. You know, he won't fight with me over it. He's a real pansy."  
  
He took her hands and pushed her lightly onto the bed, landing on top of her. "So then it's settled. You're staying here."  
  
They grinned at each other as his long, thin fingers traced lazy circles around her bellybutton.  
  
Esme sighed. "I'm sure Jerome won't notice if I'm gone one more night. If it comes down to that, I'll tell him I went to the spa or something like that."  
  
"Good," he said, kissing the tip of her nose. "I'm liking this plan much better." He smoothed her hair off her forehead.  
  
"O? After we take out the Baudilares and Quagmires, can we go after the Snicket family?"  
  
"Snickets?"  
  
"Yes. You know that as soon as L figures out what we're up to he'll try to avenge his beloved Beatrice." She laid her hand dramatically against her forehead. "I say we go for them."  
  
"Well...that Jaques always was a meddlesome bastard," he agreed. "We'll see how things go after we work with the ones we have, although I have to say it's not a bad plan."  
  
"I wanna be the one to kill Lemony."  
  
"Still pissed about that damn sugar bowl, aren't you?" he shook his head. "I swear, Esme......sometimes I wonder about this unforgiving nature of yours."  
  
"Like you're in any position to lecture me. I think we both know that you're only going after those God-forsaken orphans because you're pissed off at how many times they've gotten the better of you."  
  
"Maybe, " he said, not meeting her eyes.  
  
She undid the one button holding her shirt on. "Well, if I'm staying let's at least make it a good night."  
  
He grinned winningly. "Yes ma'am!"  
  
~a/n2: wow. What the hell has happened to me? I never wrote this sappy before! But then again I was mostly writing JTHM fics then, so my big fan fiction sin was not romance but melodrama. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen. 


End file.
